For those who have been following along, my independent run for President really started to pick up steam in the last month as the two major party candidates seem to be locked in a deathmatch and people want to change the channel and see what else is on. Many have turned to my campaign, especially after I was bit by a radio-active spider and acquired some Spiderman-like powers (see my September blog post for more on that).
In any case, I knew as soon as my popularity and visibility increased, I’d be getting pressured to bow out. It was expected, just not the way it has happened. I figured that the major party candidates would put out some AI generated fake video of me doing something embarrassing or maybe Rudy Guiliani endorsing me. But no, that wasn’t their approach. Instead, a couple of big, burley FBI agents showed up last week and requested a blood sample for DNA analysis. Seeing as they had guns and badges, and I fully support law enforcement, I said fine.
The next thing I know, I get a call from the Department of Justice to inform me that the DNA testing showed positive results for radioactive spider-like mutations of my XYZ chromosomes. I said so what? The constitution only requires that I be a natural-born citizen of the United States, be at least 35 years old, and have been a resident of the United States for 14 years. The shadowy voice on the phone said, not so fast Spiderguy, the congress just passed a new amendment to the constitution requiring that presidents can’t be mutants. My head was spinning. Who would think those guys could ever agree to such a thing?
Now, the word on the street is that Attorney General Merrick Garland is about to appoint a special counsel to investigate all of this - some guy named Norman Osborn and his assistant, a guy named Mephisto. Together, they supposedly make Jack Smith look like a pussy cat. There’s gonna be an announcement from Garland in the coming days and a big long investigation. Maybe a couple of state indictments too. And if I don’t play ball, I might get spirited away to Guantanamo Bay where I’ll make my web in a tiny cell for the next 20 years. Crikey mates… What to do? Maybe I should pack up my web and take a political commentator job on some cable channel. I guess we’ll see.
So, if any of this comes to pass before the election, I hope that you’ll vote for the candidate that you believe will best defend the our constitution and democracy. Vote for the candidate that defends liberty and justice, not just here, but around the world - places that are far away where people yearn to live their lives in peace and be free (Slava Ukraini!). Vote for the candidate who will reject murderous dictators and evil regimes. And always, and I mean always, defend the right to hold free and fair elections with no intimidation or violence. By doing so, you will be honoring my campaign and my legacy, and that is even better than being elected President!
If you’ve come this far, you are probably aware that I post both humor and serious stuff and you have to sort it out. Please leave a comment letting me know that you enjoyed it (or maybe not), and any similar experiences you’ve had. You may know others who enjoy this sort of thing and, if so, I invite you to share it with them.
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