Campaign Update - The Spider Chronicles (Labor Day Edition)

Well, it’s almost Labor Day – the traditional start of the election campaign season.  At least it used to be, before the major parties decided that presidential campaigns essentially never end.  In any case, you may have noticed that I don’t play by their rules.  Either way, I thought I should update you on the status of my own campaign for the highest office in the land and plans for the fall. There’s good news, and more good news.

It's been a great summer for my campaign. I’ve been modeling my plan for being president, with great success. It’s been incredibly smooth. No hiccups, no drama, no need to constantly raise your stress levels through divisive policies or crazy campaign rallies or obnoxious and offensive remarks. I’ll bet you haven’t heard a thing about me in the news media all summer. Think how nice that would be for the next 4 or 8 years. No stress, no drama, no problems. Good government should be like your furnace or plumbing – it should just work, and you shouldn’t have to think about it.

I have had several successful campaign events which included well attended twice monthly guitar pulls on top of Mill Mountain and 3 or 4 trips to Blue Cow Ice Cream with my wife Denise. People have been very supportive, especially for my choice of Triple Berry Crisp at Blue Cow. As your president, I pledge to always make wise choices, especially at the ice cream parlors all across this great nation.

The highlight of my summer was an unexpected campaign boost a couple of weeks ago as I was cutting my lawn. I felt something crawling under my shirt, a quick sting, and then escape out the back collar of my t-shirt. I swatted it away and never even saw it. A day or two later, my arm looked like somebody hit it with a hammer and was pretty sore. I took a picture of it and sent it to my buddy Tom, who has also been my allergist for years.  I said “hey Tom – what the heck bit me”?

He quickly responded that it was a spider bite. Not just any spider bite - it was a radioactive spider bite (Tom graduated from the Marvel Comics School of Medicine). He said I would no doubt soon have super powers and texted an image of Spider Man to make it clear what he was talking about. His diagnosis gives me great confidence about my campaign and upcoming presidency.

I’m not even going to wait to be elected to try out my new super powers. Starting Tuesday, I’ll cast my interweb net over those who support divisiveness and hatred in America. I’ll use my powers to help them see that a house divided cannot stand (full credit to Jesus & Abe Lincoln). My web will be thrown over the big businesses and foreign money that currently buy and sell politicians like trading cards and return the power of the vote to the citizens of this great nation. The hallmarks of my administration will be freedom, democracy and equal justice for all, not just here in America, but around the globe. Major party candidates who lack these super powers won’t stand a chance in November. They should probably just concede the election and endorse me now.

As President, I’ll use my super powers to enhance our foreign policy, building strong alliances and partnerships with other nations. I’ll appoint the Avengers to the State Department and direct them develop multilateral approaches to global challenges, such the wars in Ukraine and the Middle East. I’ll use my Spidey Sense to neutralize dictators and all of their weapons of war and converting them into new technologies for peace and prosperity of all mankind. My administration will prioritize aiding countries facing crises such as recovery from war or natural disasters. I’ll increase foreign aid budgets and lead efforts to address global issues like poverty and hunger using Bobbo Bucks, which I previously addressed in my blog back in April.

My domestic policy will implement comprehensive crime prevention programs. This will include increased funding for education, job training, and community outreach initiatives to address the root causes of crime. I’ll use my Spidey Sense to break up drug cartels and organized crime, turning them all into first class day care centers and educational centers for young parents and those who wish to retrain for new careers.  I will boost funding for scientific research and development and encourage STEM education and innovation in fields like clean renewable energy, and medical research. We will reduce inequality and promoting social justice for all, with initiatives to address wage disparities, improve access to healthcare, and combat discrimination. And yes – we will conquer cancer, addictions and depression.

There will be no webs of deceit and justice for all will be the cornerstone of our democracy. No one, not even I, will be above the law. Those who attack our nation with lies and deceit will pay the price for their evil ways.

These are my pledges to you as individuals and as we, the people. Tell your friends and neighbors that we are on the brink of a new era of peace and prosperity.  God bless our troops, and God bless our nation and world. Don’t forget to vote – it all depends on you.

If you’ve come this far, you are probably aware that I post both humor and serious stuff and you have to sort it out.  Please leave a comment letting me know that you enjoyed it (or maybe not), and any similar experiences you’ve had.  You may know others who enjoy this sort of thing and, if so, I invite you to share it with them.  

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