Tuesday, December 31, 2024

Old School Ways Worth Passing Down

 

Carillion Roanoke Memorial Hospital

My dad taught me a lot during his life.  He was old school and passed on important values about right and wrong, how to shake hands with another man, and the importance of setting the hook properly when fishing. But probably the most important thing he passed along was the importance of being present for others in their hour of need, especially if they are hospitalized, and most especially if they are elderly and approaching the end of life.

    He taught me this not by talking about it, but by doing it. Many times, he would bring me along for brief periods of time. I particularly remember visits with my older relatives when they were sick or dying, and the compassion he showed in trying to make them comfortable or just listening when they wanted to talk. He always made sure they knew they weren’t alone, and he’d be there for them even if the going got rough. 

    I knew instinctively that the love and support that he showed were a few steps beyond what people normally did. He was almost kind of a Shaman for our family and the community around the old neighborhood where he grew up. He took calls in the middle of the night like a priest, and he’d put on his clothes and leave until the next day. Even as a youngster, I understood. He never hesitated and never showed any fear, even when the person he saw was potentially contagious. It was his calling.

    As I grew to be a man, I realized that it was my calling as well. There was never any question, and I started receiving calls that my dad used to receive.  I realized that there was much to be gained and much to be learned as I got used to it.  There is a special bond of trust that forms when someone entrusts you with their care in such situations. Sometimes you just listen to stories, memories or regrets. Sometimes you provide forgiveness or closure. Sometimes you just hold hands or give them space. Whatever the case, I always feel like I received the bigger portion of the blessings by being a part of their life during that difficult time.  

    I had the privilege to do this for Dad in the last weeks of his life. I received a call on Christmas evening in 1989. Dad was in the hospital, and I needed to fly home. In the next few days, we found out he had terminal liver cancer.  After a couple blood transfusions, he was discharged. We sold his house and moved him to Virginia to live with me. He passed away on February 23rd of 1990 with me at his side. It was a challenging but very special time for both of us, an experience I’d never trade away.

    For the past few years, I’ve been privileged to be with my mother-in-law Alice for many doctor visits and long hospital stays. We have that special bond of trust that develops, and she knows she can count on me to advocate for her, listen or just hold her hand when she's afraid. She’s been hospitalized with COVID since the day after Christmas, and will likely remain so for a while. She knows she won’t be alone - not on my watch. 

    During our stay, I’ve seen most elderly patients all alone, with few or no visitors. It seems like many of them must fend for themselves at a time when they are the most powerless and vulnerable. Hospitals are scary. Hospital staff seldom have the time to provide anything more than required treatment or checking of vital signs. They aren’t there to listen, hold your hand or just provide the simple dignity of knowing you aren’t alone. I personally think as a society, we need to do a lot better - both for them and for ourselves. As my dad passed these lessons down to me, I am passing it along to you.  

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11 comments:

  1. There's no better blessing than that received when one is serving others. My mother was much like your dad. Our home seemed to be amagneta magnet to those who needed care, especially in final days.

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    1. Thanks. I wonder how we got so far away from that being normal.

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  2. Thanks for sharing...your dad seems to have been a great man that taught by example. And you are passing that along!!!

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    1. Thanks. I could (and should) write a book about him. Perhaps I will someday.

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    2. Write that book, Bob. Sounds like your dad was a special guy. Larry S.

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    3. Thanks Larry. I think that you’re right. The older I get, the more I understand these things.

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  3. Words to live by Bob!!

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  4. As I read your description of your father 's spirit of service, I knew exactly where you got yours from! My maternal grandmother, taught me similar values. When I was five, her mother, who was dying in a small rural hospital, asked for me to come to her side.. My grandmother took me there. I saw
    My great grandma reach out for something invisible and I asked her if she was seeing Jesus. She had the most sublime look on her face. Then after she died and the wake was held in The parlor in her home, my grandmother also brought me there to see the body in the casket, to go up to it, to not be afraid of it, to talk to my great-grandma as though she were only asleep. That was the beginning, I believe, of my grooming to work in hospice and palliative care. It is such a blessing to be able to serve others in times of great vulnerability, and unknowing.
    Thank you for writing this blog, Bob, and inspiring all of us to think about acting with kindness and compassion. If we get called old fashioned for that, then I'll take it as a compliment! L.Pole

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    1. Thanks Laura. Knowing you as I do, your comments mean a lot to me. Lots of love and respect to you always.

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  5. One of my first experiences as a new immigrant from the Island , while living in Los Angeles was seeing a motor cyclist being knocked off his bike and no one came to his aid. I was not able to offer him any assistance because I was on the other side of the street waiting for the bus. I was shocked beyond belief and that was when I realized how blessed I was to be born in a country where kindness reigns. Thank you for your compassion towards those who have no one. I am a nursing assistant and know that so much more can be done for those without loved ones

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Old School Ways Worth Passing Down

  Carillion Roanoke Memorial Hospital My dad taught me a lot during his life.  He was old school and passed on important values about right...