Alert The Press - Big Announcement!

After deep consideration this morning and 2 full mugs of coffee, I have come to an important decision, for myself and for my country.  On this, the first day of 2024, I’m proud to announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America.

Among the current field of major party candidates, I believe there is room in the field for a less divisive candidate, who is young (at heart) and strong in opinions.  Nobody has accused me of being too old (except my kids and grandkids) and the only crimes that I have committed are murdering a song or two and perhaps over-indulging a time or two while in college (honestly, I don't recall).  My record is clean, as I have released no records, tapes, CD’s or digital downloads on any platform.

They Tell Me I'm Crazy - I'm Running For President!

I will admit that I have been considering a career change for several years and the time seems right for me personally, and for the country. We both are ready for a change.  But why should you vote for me as opposed to Trump or Biden?  These are the ideas and values that I stand for and you can hold me to them throughout my campaign and term in office.

First of all, one of my first and highest priorities will be to clean up politics and make being a servant of the people respectable again.  After all, who would encourage a child these days with the words “yes, you too can be President”?  Who would even wish that on a child?  On day one of my Presidency, I will sign an executive order declaring that no candidate for any office at any level shall accept or use any foreign money or anything of value, from other than U.S. citizens.  Neither shall any candidate spend over $2,500 in total on their campaign and campaigns will be limited to two weeks prior to the election.  That’s right folks, we’ll be overturning the Citizens United court decision that allowed so-called “dark money” into our political system.  Also, as a prerequisite for any office, a qualified candidate must first have spent at least four years in one of the following professions:  Teacher, social worker, nurse, Emergency Room doctor, active duty military or first responder.  No one may be elected to any office in the land unless they are less than sixty years old on the first day of their term of office.  No one will serve for any reason if they are beyond sixty five years of age at the end of their term of office.

My economic policy will be that every American who is able to work will be able to make a living wage and not be taxed on the first $100,000 of income every year.  Those who are unable to work because of age, physical or mental disability, will be provided adequate and clean housing, nutritious food and medicine and all amenities required to live productive and full lives. Professional sports salaries will be capped at $100,000 per year unless they agree to donate any additional salary to schools and other community support agencies.  Tickets to all sports events will be capped at $10.00. Teachers, artists of all genres, social workers, active duty military and first responders will be paid a minimum of $1 million dollars per year.  Remember the dark money we took out of politics?  This is one of the places we’ll be using it.  I never said we’re getting rid of dark money, we’re just going to redirect it to better uses.

My social policy is that all people are born equal in the eyes of God, so they shall be treated as such under my administration.  Every one of us deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.  The Statue of Liberty will once again hold up her light to greet those from distant shores.  This nation’s strength has always been in our diversity.  For those who are concerned about letting potential threats come into our country, we will develop screening tools that are tighter than anything FaceBook uses to detect posts that violate community standards or that YouTube uses to detect possible copyright violations.  This ain’t rocket science.

My defense policy is that we will always maintain a strong national defense and support those countries who aspire to adopt our values.  We will always stand by our commitments and never walk away leaving an ally in the lurch.  How will we fund this, you say?  Dark money my friend.  There’s a ton of it.   Just look at our senators and congressmen right now - the best that money can buy.  They don’t represent you or me - they represent the thugs who bought them.  Think about that the next time that they do something or say something outrageous and an affront to basic values.  I won’t name names, but you know who I’m talking about.  

The biggest threat to civilization is climate change.   We must all work to overcome it.  Those who live in coastal areas will need help first.  In my administration, we will purchase their cars and property that will soon be underwater and replace them with nice modern houseboats and small speed boats for going to the store.  We will develop new technologies to offset carbon emissions and reverse the effects of climate change by moving the earth’s orbit further away from the sun by 50-100 miles.  This will be accomplished before the end of my first term through artificial intelligence (AI), funded by dark money.

These are the principles upon which I base my candidacy and which I ask for your vote.  Of course I’ll need a great Vice President and I invite you to submit your resume or someone you’d like to nominate in the comments below.

If you enjoy my posts, please hit the Follow Button to get new blog posts on or about the 1st of every month.  Please leave a comment to let me and others know if you liked it or have a similar experience.  And please, don’t forget to vote!  It’s really important!